M. and I had a wonderful discussion earlier today; we came up with so many wonderful ideas I am having difficulty breaking them all down in my mind and finding a place to start.
Lower surgery, business development, project planning, non profit/foundation starting, grad school applying, event planning, fundraising, networking - quite a brainstorming session; now I just need to start hashing out a rough outline of everything we went over and set my priorities.
Yesterday in addition to my weekly refrigerator/freezer clean out, I cleaned out my bathroom cabinet, underneath the bathroom sink, the tub, all of the random stuff in my big suitcase, and threw out all of the expired meds in M.'s first aid kit.
I don't need to be lugging all of that crap around everywhere, especially with moving around every three months. I have moved things from place to place in a box and often never get around to unpacking the box. What is the point in lugging a bunch of crap you don't even know you have and don't even miss?
I want to get rid of more clothes, too. That will also make moving easier.
I have been dealing with an incredibly intense amount of anxiety over the past two days. Friday was the worst, yesterday wasn't as bad. I think I am on my way out of it, hopefully.
Sometimes I wonder if my heightened level of anxiety is testosterone-related; I used to be so easygoing and laid back and now I worry about everything. Testosterone seems to heighten a lot of things: anger, aggression, libido, appetite, etc so it seems it could be a viable conclusion.
My general down disposition could also have something to do with me being so sick this past week as well; oh, and not sleeping much. I feel like I've been sick nearly the entire time since we've moved back to the Bay Area. I have this cold/cough type deal that I just can't seem to shake.
I don't want to go on any meds for anxiety, but self-medication is not the answer either.
This is the latest video I have posted to my YouTube channel, called “Strength in Transformation.” During this whole tumultious and overwhelming transition process, more than just my gender has transformed. I am becoming more whole as a person; transitioning was just a part of the journey. In a way, it was the key that opened the door to the world so I could actually start my journey in life.
I think this is one of the videos on my channel I am most proud of; the footage was acquired over several years’ time in various parts of the country and took me several all-nighters to complete.
Perhaps my obsessive documenting and video editing/producing has paid off; I am starting to get some freelance work doing video editing stuff, which is what I've always wanted to do. I'm really stoked to be working on this new project and getting back into doing some mixed media projects for things not related to my YouTube channel and personal life. Like J. said, it's good to branch out; use this unique experience as a filter in which to see the world, but still ALL of the world and not just the (trans)gender side.
I used to struggle with finding balance between my trans self and just my plain old male/person/self, but this hardly comes up anymore in my day to day life. I still struggle with balance, but I find it is more "life-related," rather than gender-related. I worry about the stuff every one else does - my relationships, finances, work; it's quite a relief to not have to think so actively about my gender.
I'm so glad my active transition is over; I was very fortunate to get it done quickly and when I was relatively young. I am 26 and have been on testosterone for nearly six years now; it doesn't feel like that. In fact, it doesn't feel like anything. It feels like this is how I always have been. I can hardly distinguish my trans self from just myself now, and I think that is what I have been striving for since I started transitioning.
Now that I am back on a regular dose of T, I have a lot more energy to burn; consequently, I have been skating a lot more.
I have been striving to establish some sort of routine in my life and I think I am finally coming into some regularity in terms of a daily schedule, and it is nice.
