Leaving, Packing, etc.

We are leaving here in twelve days. It doesn't make any sense, but I am somewhat sad about it. I do not know if this is in part due to the stress of having to move again after just moving three months ago, or if I am truly sad to leave Southern California. There are lots of things in the Los Angeles area that we haven't been able to do - we simply haven't had enough time, and admittedly, neither of us have been in the best place emotionally, spirititually, or physically since we got here, or even since we took our cross country road trip from Iowa to SF.

We didn't feel too hot in San Francisco either, each of us having to deal with our own moderately severe medical maladies in the short month and a half we were there from September to October.

My life has changed in innumerable ways since September. Well, really since June when I first met my girlfriend. Meeting her has changed my life in many ways; not all of the comfortable, but the transitions that are taking place have needed to take place for awhile. She is a huge catalyst into the launch of the second chapter of my life.

In some ways I feel I have lost myself; I am just simply not the guy I was seven months ago when Meghan and I met, and I feel ingenuine and almost deceitful. I was happy then. Since we have been together it has been nothing but physical, emotional, relational, sexual, and life transitions aplenty which have led to tense moments and situations, but we have dealt with them all in stride, considering how little time we have known each other and both being independent people who are used to their alone time and living on their own.

It is not easy meshing two worlds; combining what is two into one, but I'd like to think we are at least doing a decent job of it. Am I completely happy? No. Am I completely unhappy? Absolutely not. I just feel there are things I could be doing to be a better boyfriend, and instead of just having them zoom around in my mind all of the time, I want to implement them.

Action - that is another one of my "things" I am working on this year. I might have a million brilliant ideas, but if I do nothing about them, it doesn't do anybody any good.

I feel like I have been in a funk lately - really,depression lite compared to my earlier years - but rather than succumbing to the dark wave of self doubt, negativity, and self hatred, I am trying active steps to not sink with the sad ship.  I did manage to go to the gym this morning (4am, baby!) and lift some weights. I haven't regularly gone to the gym since before I had my chest surgery, which was in December of 2006 - so, four years basically. Even before then I was never really much of a gym rat and I am the worst person ever at keeping a gym/exercise routine. I would like to start an exercise routine of 2-3 days a week; it especially helps that my partner wants to start going to the gym as well.

I also have been skating more and want to keep that up as well. I have noticed doing short 10-20 minute runs throughout the day is a perfect amount of time to refresh myself from sitting at the computer working and a great chance to get fresh air and bask in the California sun.

I know I will eventually make peace with myself; it is just a matter of peeling back layers and dealing with them at the right time.