Homesick?

I have felt homesick lately; how is this possible? After moving out to San Francisco at the end of 2008, I didn't visit for nearly two years. It took me until August of 2010 to go back for a visit. The summer visit didn't go so hot (though it was blazing hot in FL!), but this past visit over the Christmas holiday was the best time I have ever had with my family.

It was the first time I was me and regarded that way by all of my family, even Nana.

Leaving, Packing, etc.

We are leaving here in twelve days. It doesn't make any sense, but I am somewhat sad about it. I do not know if this is in part due to the stress of having to move again after just moving three months ago, or if I am truly sad to leave Southern California. There are lots of things in the Los Angeles area that we haven't been able to do - we simply haven't had enough time, and admittedly, neither of us have been in the best place emotionally, spirititually, or physically since we got here, or even since we took our cross country road trip from Iowa to SF.

We didn't feel too hot in San Francisco either, each of us having to deal with our own moderately severe medical maladies in the short month and a half we were there from September to October.

My life has changed in innumerable ways since September. Well, really since June when I first met my girlfriend. Meeting her has changed my life in many ways; not all of the comfortable, but the transitions that are taking place have needed to take place for awhile. She is a huge catalyst into the launch of the second chapter of my life.

In some ways I feel I have lost myself; I am just simply not the guy I was seven months ago when Meghan and I met, and I feel ingenuine and almost deceitful. I was happy then. Since we have been together it has been nothing but physical, emotional, relational, sexual, and life transitions aplenty which have led to tense moments and situations, but we have dealt with them all in stride, considering how little time we have known each other and both being independent people who are used to their alone time and living on their own.

It is not easy meshing two worlds; combining what is two into one, but I'd like to think we are at least doing a decent job of it. Am I completely happy? No. Am I completely unhappy? Absolutely not. I just feel there are things I could be doing to be a better boyfriend, and instead of just having them zoom around in my mind all of the time, I want to implement them.

Action - that is another one of my "things" I am working on this year. I might have a million brilliant ideas, but if I do nothing about them, it doesn't do anybody any good.

I feel like I have been in a funk lately - really,depression lite compared to my earlier years - but rather than succumbing to the dark wave of self doubt, negativity, and self hatred, I am trying active steps to not sink with the sad ship.  I did manage to go to the gym this morning (4am, baby!) and lift some weights. I haven't regularly gone to the gym since before I had my chest surgery, which was in December of 2006 - so, four years basically. Even before then I was never really much of a gym rat and I am the worst person ever at keeping a gym/exercise routine. I would like to start an exercise routine of 2-3 days a week; it especially helps that my partner wants to start going to the gym as well.

I also have been skating more and want to keep that up as well. I have noticed doing short 10-20 minute runs throughout the day is a perfect amount of time to refresh myself from sitting at the computer working and a great chance to get fresh air and bask in the California sun.

I know I will eventually make peace with myself; it is just a matter of peeling back layers and dealing with them at the right time.

Here.

I am here and I am not not necessarily happy with it. I'm not unnecessarily unhappy with it either, but this is where I am. If you had told me ten years ago I would be living in Los Angeles with my girlfriend after living in San Francisco for two years reinventing myself I would not believe you. I would not also believe I would be male at this point. I'm sure that sounds odd to read, but my gender transition has been my wildest ride yet.

The cross country road trip with my girlfriend was pretty good, too.

I guess I just feel like my life is not where I would like it to be and that I have this (maybe crazy) ideas that if I write about it that I will be more inclined to work on the areas that need work.

I can't totally say I'm not satisfied with my life; there are lots of aspects of it that are going well. I am in a relationship with an amazing woman. My transition is mostly over and I don't have to deal with it on a daily basis anymore. I have amazing family and friends. I live in California - enough said!

I have been doing a lot of things right - one of my New Year's resolutions was to take things slow - as in, be aware, mindful; concentrate on things, focus. One thing at a time, whether it be in preparing a meal, editing a film, or just in communicating with people. I want to be present and mindful in all situations.

I have been cooking a lot and learning a lot in the process, and some of the things I make are good - delicious even sometimes! Fresh smoothies have become a favorite, and my lamb meatballs over couscous was a hit with my girlfriend.

I really should start meditating.

I went to the gym this morning - literally, the first time in years. I would like to make lifting weights and some cardio a regular thing. I am about the worst person on earth when it comes to actually keeping an exercise routine, but it doesn't hurt to try.

If anything, I can always just skate a ton more. I have been getting back on my board more lately and it feels great. I don't know why I don't skate when I am anxious or depressed; I feel the most zen when I am on my board surfing the sidewalk.

I want to get good [ok, decent] again. Am I making sense? I don't know - it's 5:00am and I have to pick up my girlfriend at work at 8:00am.

I can't believe we are moving back to SF in 12 days! Yikes - we have got a lot of packing to do!